


[—  lose lose ]

by rintou



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin-centric, Drama, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, WinWin suffers for a while
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2019-11-14 13:46:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18053642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rintou/pseuds/rintou
Summary: “Taeyong-hyung, Yuta-hyung... nothing’s wrong.”  Sicheng had been confronted by a lot of the members lately.  At this point, he knew they were catching on.  It was getting harder to hide, but hecouldn’tlet them find out.Or,In the midst of being a member of WayV and an already established NCT unit, Sicheng works to satisfy everyone.  That ‘everyone’ has become his assigned personal manager that’s been there since the beginning.  Underneath the control of this man, Sicheng is slowly destroyed piece by piece.





	1. introduction : manager

**Author's Note:**

> | major trigger warning. |  
> \- this will be a very emotionally painful thing to sit through, especially if you are attached to Sicheng in any way and/or are sensitive to these topics. I advise that you click/tap away from this story if it gets too much  
> \- i do not wish for this to actually happen to Sicheng, nor is this fic any way to express any ‘desires’ upon Sicheng.   
> \- this is a vent for me, and so this is my way of coping with my own problems. Yes, Sicheng will have a happy ending because I want a happy ending for myself too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get more detailed after this intro. This is just meant for exposition and a preview.

  

Sicheng had (and has) an interesting relationship with his personal manager.

On first day that Paeng Younghan (or as he now prefers Sicheng to call him, Younghan- _gēgē_ ) was assigned to him when early developement of the prospect of a Chinese unit were coming into place, he felt _off_.  There was nothing particularly bad about his first impression.  In fact, Mr. Paeng was and still is quite a charming person.  He exuded balanced confidence and professionalism, making it apparent that, despite having been 27 and a bit younger than the rest of their managers, he still had every right to have his authority.  

He chalked up his warryness to his fear of strangers when he had his first conversation with him.

 

“ _Hello, WinWin-ssi, CEO Nam has requested that I’ll be your new personal manager.”_

_Sicheng looked up at him, a little confused.  He wasn’t as good at understanding Korean at the time and he was piecing the quick words together, but he did understand the jist of it.  Still, he was not comfortable enough to really say anything in response.  The young man was quite tall and looked well-put-together.  Sicheng had just been taken from the dorm and was dealing with slightly messy hair and only able to change into some acid-wash jeans and someone else’s hoodie.  He couldn’t help but feel intimidated._

_He was alone too.  Alone with him._

_The staff had lead him to an office-like room in the building.  It was early in the morning and he could only hear faint music playing from the floor below, most likely from the trainees and/or his sunbaenims practicing for some comeback.  Honestly, it was the only thing keeping him from feeling really alone._

_He didn’t meet the other man’s eyes, looking foward but not at him. His hands were a little shakey as he clutched them together in hopes of concealing it.  Maybe he’s messed up already by not responding._

_And yet, it seems as if it had been unwarented._

_**”Oh, I’m sorry.  You’re still not fluent in Korean, ah?”** Mandarin._

_He felt a hand on his shoulder, making him flinch.  The man seems to have noticed._

_**”Sorry, WinWin-”**  He didn’t let go of the young-adult in front of him.  He had just simply push less of his weight on him.  Sicheng remained tense until he saw the man’s smile.  He was mesmerized in a way.  It was gentle, comforting.  It was something Sicheng wasn’t expecting, but he needed it.  He really did.  _

_**”I-It’s okay...”** _

_Eventually, the other’s hand moved to his back, close to his neck.  With that smile still plastered on his face, he said, **”I’m Paeng Younghan.  I’ll be your personal manager until your contract expires.  I’ll be here to help you improve yourself as an idol.  I will be here to manage your behavior and act as PR.  I’ll be here to keep you in your place and make sure you become the best you ever will be.”**  He leaned in closer, looking into the, at the time, 19 year old’s eyes.   **“But, I’m also going to be by your side just as any other member would.  You can trust me, Dong Sicheng.”**_

 

* * *

 

2016.12.11

一 _incoming call_... 「权威(펭)」 _(authority paeng)_

**_accept < _ **

_**decline** _

_”Hello, Paeng-nim, you need me?”_

_”WinWin-ah, come meet me in the studio, we need to discuss you performance lately.  I’m sorry to say this, but you’ve been...lacking... lately.  I know you can make it up to me, right?”_

_”Of course, Paeng-nim!  I wish you told me sooner!”_

_”Never disappoint me, WinWin-ah.  I don’t like that you still don’t call me Younghan- gege .”_

_”I didn’t know you saw us as that close, Pae— Younghan-ssi.”_

_(a laugh is heard from Manager Paeng’s line)_

_”Well, don’t waste time.  You have to get over here already.  This is actually quite serious and I don’t want this to damage your career.”_

_”Alright, I’ll be right there.  Thank you for telling me.  I’m sorry for failing your expectations.  How long.”_

_”Get here now.   Fast as you can.  We’re going to be here all night.”_

* * *

 Ah, Manager Paeng.  

Spotting him next to the idol in the streets, seeing him tower next to Sicheng while maintaining a tight hold on his grip, a newcoming fan might even mistake him as a member through the many pictures of him next to Sicheng.  He was only ever seen next to Sicheng.  Yet, he also looked like a mature idol, more like he was the maknae of an unknown and older group.  Maybe even an ex trainee of another company who was making their debut under SM.  Though, those were ultimately incorrect. 

He was Sicheng’s manager.

He wasn’t the idol.

In his eyes, he _has_  the idol.

And that fateful night in mid December had sealed it.  It had sealed his authority that he has kept.  It certainly was a _special_ type of authority.

That December night as Sicheng arrived in the studio, an overwhelming feeling of discomfort and dread overcame him.  He had just told the other members at the dorm that his manager wanted to see him for a bit and they had let him go.  His decision to come here was a no-brainer.  Of course he wouldn’t want to disappoint his manager, especially as he has become a teacher to him in such a short amount of time.  He could see Paeng as his mature and more experienced older brother.  He always helped Sicheng with the drastically different style of NCT’s choreography compared to his traditional dance, helping him incorporate his style in a way that works with it. 

Why did it feel like it would be any different when it _should have_ been like every other review session?

 

_It really should have been like every other session._

_Yet, it wasn’t._

 

_**And it hasn’t been the same ever since...** _


	2. 一01. The Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present day.  
> Sicheng is _off _.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You really think I'm giving up on this, huh?  
> I promise the next chapter will be better. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> If there's a [✓] that means I edited it some time to be better. I'll do that sometime :>>

【 **_ＩＭＰＯＲＴＡＮＴ — This story takes place January 2019 - June 2019_ ** 】

 

The studio is empty and Sicheng lies against the walls, checking his phone again.  The name on his screen reads **_PYH哥哥_ ** on WeChat.  The chatroom is open and there's a bubbly time stamp that says "Yesterday 4:12 PM" and it seems like he's been staring at the screen for quite a while.  Ten looked over at the younger's phone curiously, as Sicheng was unresponsive to his attempts at catching his attention. He sees that there's nothing underneath the time-stamp and that Sicheng hasn't even begun to type out a message at all.  It was like Sicheng was waiting for _something_.

He almost shook his head when he pieced together what 'PYH' stood for.  _Paeng Young Han_ .  He never really liked him, but it seems like Sicheng was close to him.  He never really knew why he just felt something off about him, but it seems like Sicheng has been thinking about him a lot lately.  That annoys Ten for some reason. He really can't name it himself. Maybe it's because he couldn't wrap his head as to _why_ Sicheng needed a personal manager.  

But, regardless of that, Sicheng was a little off lately.  And mindlessly staring at his phone after just having danced till his limbs were sore was a ◟◟ _ding ding ding!◝◝_ red flag in his eyes.  If it weren't for the fact that Ten was genuinely worried about Sicheng, he would've drank up half of the water bottle that the younger hadn't even spared a single glance at.  

He shook Sicheng by the shoulder.  “Hey, WinWinnie, are you alright," he asked, eyebrows knitted together while he tried to elicit eye contact with him.  In response, Sicheng froze up, and Ten immediately let go when he felt his posture go just go stiff. Maybe that wasn't the best approach?  Ten would laugh it off with a “whoops, I didn’t mean to startle you,” if weren't _Sicheng_ of all people acting a bit weird since they arrived at Beijing airport over a month ago. Something was _wrong_. Just as he was about to apologize, Sicheng looked at him with a smile that nearly melted away his worries.  

The brisk "Ah, I'm fine," that slipped through his lips like he was asked that question a billion times over would've convinced him if he didn't know any better.  Sicheng had already gone back to staring at the phone screen. Usually, Ten would back off with a nod and an “okay, I gotchu,” by then, and the conversation would end briefly before one if them would ask if their break was over and they could go back to reviewing the choreography, or if one of them saw something funny online and then they would go on a tangent. This time, though, something in Ten made him determined to make it so that is not the case for now. 

He hovered his palm over Sicheng’s phone screen.  In response, the younger pursed his lips with annoyance in his expression, and then scooted to the side.  Ten could already feel his patience running thin. He could tell it wasn’t going to be an easy feat to get him to cooperate with what he wants non-verbally or without potentially bothering him.  Then again, mastering the art of understanding Dong Sicheng had always been a challenge.

“WinWin…” Ten had begun once more, his voice sweet-tempered and a bit more welcoming in a _“Hey, I’ll listen to what you gotta say”_ kind of way.  Still, WinWin repeated an “I’m alright” back to him and he wasn’t satisfied.  Call him oddly persistent today, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t had a proper talk _talk_ about his feelings in a while.  In the past, they would check up on each-other to keep each other emotionally.  Sometimes the other just wouldn’t talk, and one would just let the other vent out their emotions as they needed.  Sure, now that it wasn’t just _them_ as first friends, and they’ve gotten closer with others so just relying on each-other wasn’t needed anymore.

 

But, Ten misses it when it was just them.  And he can just tell Sicheng isn’t telling him anything.

 

He can’t understand how his patience snapped away so quickly, but watching Sicheng— what he assumed was— waiting for a message that obviously wouldn’t come soon definitely was pushing him.

“ _Dong Sicheng_ , pay attention to me.”  He stated with assertiveness, a surprising booming and clear voice.  

His motions were quick and he acted on his first impulse when he saw Sicheng jolt again, grasping at Sicheng’s phone and getting it out of his grip.  Things moved fast when Ten pushed himself back as went to reach for his iPhone back. In turn, Ten slid the phone to the side across the floor, much to the distaste of Sicheng.  Instead of Sicheng yelling at him, though, the younger slumped his shoulders in a quick defeat. It tugged something in him with the way he reacted.  

 

◟◟ _ding ding ding!◝◝_ Seems like another read flag.  Or is he just over-analytical? He would like to think he _knows_ Sicheng.

 

Ten cleared his throat, rethinking for a moment.  He’s hit with regret when Sicheng just silently waits for him to say something.  _Was he scared?_  Yeah, they haven’t opened up in a _while_ , no wonder.  _Nice going, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul_ .  He ruffles Sicheng’s hair in an effort to tell him, _hey, you’re alright_.  Of course he knows it might not work as well on a grown man vs. a little kid, but it was an attempt.

 

He tapped underneath the younger’s chin to make him make eye contact again.

 

This time, Ten smiles and comes up with a pretty okay idea on the spot to brighten up the mood. 

 

“Ditch the dance practice,  it’s enough for today,” it came out like a word-barf, but Sicheng appears to be listening, so he continues.  A smile is present on his and his face when he says, “Just you, me, and Kun. Ice cream. Let’s all go out to the city together.  Alright? A little time for gēgē line.” 

You wouldn’t believe the weight lifted off his shoulders when he saw Sicheng’s lips quirk up into a bread-like lil’ smile.  It was adorable and Ten finally felt like he could put his worry to the side for now.

 

Sicheng was glad to see the concern leave Ten’s body. _He couldn’t let him in._

 

* * *

 

 

It was a bit chilly out in Beijing.  Of course, it was early winter at dusk and here they were, out for ice cream of all things.  There was a café that served both ice cream and warm treats, so it’s still a win for the little child that still lives on somehow in Sicheng’s heart.  However, in all honesty, he didn’t really feel like eating. Looking at the food, all he could see were numbers. How would that add up? It’s not good for him.  He’s kept with eating well and he can’t ruin it.

At the same time, he doesn’t want Kun or Ten to waste their time or money.  If he could bring himself to ask Paeng if it was okay, he would. However, he knew his answer would be _no_ . _What would Paeng say?_ is what he would always asks.  And he feels guilt knowing he’d be going against his manager like this.  He knows _better_ than Sicheng anyways.  But, just once. _Just once_.

He feels out of body when Ten asks him what he wants.  He stares at the neon colored menu for a second, responding with the first thing he sees, not wanting to think too much about it.   It’s the two warm chocolate chip cookies with an ice cream scoop in between. Kun jokes that it’s a good compromise between warm and cold, so he doesn’t have to pay for getting two separately.  He thoughtlessly chuckles at that when Ten just rolls his eyes.

Sicheng smiled while he ate.  It was a nice and cute, and he enjoyed having some time to talk to the two.  But the food, while small in portion, felt like rocks in his stomach and he didn’t know how much he could take.  He couldn’t even remember what Kun or Ten had. The uncomfortable feeling in his stomach distracted him. His head was pounding while he tried to focus on the conversations.  It felt like he was physically incapable of interacting, but he tried. _He couldn’t let them worry._

As they walked back to the dorms, he could think about was how disappointed Paeng would be. 

All he could think about was how disappointed everyone would be.

He walked past Ten into the bedroom’s door before pulling out his phone to check his notifications for _anything_ .

 

“Sicheng, why are you still waiting for him?” Ten asks suddenly, pushing at his shoulder.  His tone is _annoyed_ annoyed this time.  Sicheng’s eyebrows scrunch up and he mouths him a “what?” and that infuriates the other.  

“What?  You’re asking me _what_ ?” Ten laughs bitterly. “Oh, I don’t know, you can’t even focus because of _just…_ some _manager_?  You can’t be serious.”  Sicheng wants to speak up in defense, anger building up in him when he calls Paeng just some manager, but he can’t when he continues to fire at him and it sends him backing into the door for comfort, as the older lets out his frustrations.  

Sicheng curls up against the door.  Ten backs away from him and throws out his emotions while his body moves with them, walking back at forth while avoiding eye contact.

 “You’ve been so...I don’t know, _off_ ?  Lately, you know.  And while I thought everything was fine and dandy when we just went out, the first thing you do is _fucking_ check your WeChat to see what he has to say?”  Sicheng never knew Ten’s voice could get so _loud_ .  It was getting _loud_ . _It was getting loud_ .  He could feel himself start to shake at the things he was saying.  What was he supposed to do? What did he do wrong? _He fucked up again._  He hadn’t experienced Ten cursing at him like _that_ before.  He definitely did something wrong again.  _He can’t even be a good friend._

“You _know_ he’s not going to say anything yet!  What are you waiting for?” He groans at the end, shaking his head.  The things he says aren’t even processing in Sicheng’s ears anymore.  He knows he did something bad to make Ten yell like this. And god, it’s painful to hold himself together and try to speak, but he just can’t.  “It’s like you don’t really care about our concerns—” he cuts himself off when he finally makes eye contact with him.

 

_He looked scared of him._

 

And Sicheng was.

 

Ten brought himself back to a calm state of mind and he looks at Sicheng’s quivering figure who looks away from him.  Tears are falling down his cheeks and Ten reached out to him only for Sicheng to weakly slap his hand away.  

 

“WinWin, I’m so sorry—”

 

“No, you’re right.”  

 

“What?”  Ten looked at the taller one, confused.  But before he could ask any further, Sicheng yelled out.

 

 ** _“I’M SORRY!  I KNOW I MESSED UP!"_** And he runs off.

 

* * *

 

 

Sicheng hasn’t seen _him_ since mid December.

 

He can't even remember how many times this has happened before it started becoming routine because Sicheng kept making too many mistakes.  The first proper thought that comes into his mind is that he should've done so much better performing. Maybe Paeng could see him falling, and this was his punishment for falling too far.  Paeng knew better than him. He was reminded of this everyday, when the man would point out his mistakes. 

 

He had to accept that.

Yet, he couldn't let anyone know how god damn filthy and low he really was.  He could lose everything if someone knew.

That was the last time that Paeng had held him like that.  Bare body against his. Before he left.

 

He started having China activities and he was over a thousand kilometers away from him, and separated by the Yellow Sea.  While that didn't mean Paeng had no contact with him, in fact, he still kept tabs on him through texts and video calls, it still felt odd not having his physical presence around.  

He was never given a lesson, nor has anyone touched him like Paeng has.  He reminded himself that it was only because his personal manager was not in the same country as him.  He shouldn't get used to it.  

 

He knows very well he still _deserves_ a lesson.

Even as over the years, he tried to follow everything Paeng had said, he was always short of it.  

With Paeng not around, the lack of a lesson and the lack of awareness of what he was doing wrong had only pushed him to work harder for Paeng.  If he worked harder for Paeng, that meant he was doing better for everyone else too.  

 

"You need me, Sicheng.  I know you need me." 

He hates to admit that he does need him.

 

Without him, how far would he have come?

 

_He needs him._

 

The notifications from his phone send waves of ease over him

 

**PYH哥哥**

You did well, WinWin.  

Keep it up. :)

 

Thank you.

I’m glad you like it.

I will do better.

 

**PYH哥哥**

That's the spirit, babe :D Ha~ 

you're perfect to me like that.

I'll check up on you again soon

 

Ha ha

Thank you.

Only because of you.

 

_Only because of him._

 

Ten wouldn’t understand.  Nobody would.

 

Paeng had told him that several times, and he knew he was right.  They’d _never_ understand how these 3 years since that night have changed him.  _He’s going to do better._

 

But that doesn’t change the fact that Sicheng messed up.

And he hates it.

 

Sicheng decided to let himself be locked up in the studio building for the night.  Nobody else was there except him now. _Just him now_.  And he kind of liked it that way.  Nobody would really notice, he assumed.  Some staff arrive early in the morning. He'll be back before the others wake up.  It'll be fine.

 

Finally, Paeng contacted him again.  He feels like he’s done something right.  At least a bit satisfied with himself.

 

He looked at his body in the mirror, though, lifting his shirt.  If they could see the bruises that scattered his torso, they’d all be ashamed.  He felt like he was gaining weight again, and he just didn’t feel right. _My body’s looking wrong._ That ran through his mind like it was a good song on repeat.

 

His body looked so _wrong_.

 

The song loops over twice and he didn’t even notice until the lights flicker for a split moment and he’s brought back to his senses.  He’s gonna have to burn off those sweets from earlier.

 

Sicheng collapses in the studio that night.

 

** Kun **

☏ 5 missed calls 

 

** 2yang **

☏ 9 missed calls 

 

**_Messages_ **

**Kun**

11 messages 

 

**_Messages_ **

**Ten**

Hey, I’m sorry about earlier.  We can talk it out, but please

Why aren’t you home yet? :( 

 

Ten waits by the door until midnight.  His mind filled with different ways he could apologize for touching too close to something that Sicheng clearly wasn’t ready to open up about yet.  And Ten didn’t really want to force him. He doesn’t want to see that pained, horrified expression on his face again. However, he was given more time to think than he would’ve wanted.  He decides to ditch on waiting and goes back to his room, hardly able to even rest.

And all while Kunhang dozes off on the couch, waiting for his favorite gēgē who has yet to arrive back safely for dinner.

 

 

 

Sicheng has a dream of that first night.  The first time Paeng had every disciplined him...

 

_“Manager Paeng, what are you doing?”_

_“Correction: it's Younghan-gēgē. Sicheng, we're leaving the studio.  We're going to my place right now.”_

_“But, P— Younghan-gēgē, aren't you going to help me correct the mistakes I made with the choreo?  The promotions for Limitless are coming up soon, aren't they?”_

_“Yes, yes.  I know Sicheng, but I want to personally talk with you.  Alone. At my house. It's important and you should really learn how to take things more seriously and do better at your job, Sicheng.”_

_He did bad, didn't he?  Sicheng gulped down as he felt tears pricking his eyes.  He can't cry. He shouldn't cry about it. Manager Paeng did it because he wanted him to do better.  Maybe he thought he liked him or lead him on and made him think it was okay.  Afterall, he was a bit close to him. Yet, he saw him as an older brother— perhaps, Paeng saw it differently?_

_He was sure he didn't have any intentions to hurt him.  Or maybe it was.  His mind wasn’t in the right place to think about it.   He said he would be as gentle as possible.  That it'll help him relax, but also teach him something.  What was he trying to teach him?  Oh yeah, listening properly. Learning to follow rules and understand he's not always in control._

_He had spoken so softly, yet so sternly to him.  He should be more grateful. He knows that. It's his personal manager.  He was doing something for him. And Sicheng was 1 in a thousand. People who want to be idols don't just get that opportunity outright, let alone underneath a company like SM Entertainment.  He even gave up going to a hard-to-get-into university just to be here._

_He was letting that go to waste by not doing enough._

_Yeah, he should be ashamed._

_And he was._

_He curled up on the couch, burying his face into his knees, tears finally falling down his face.  His body quivered, the physical pain from the lesson he had was burning no matter how many minutes passed by._

_“You wouldn't want anyone to find out about this, right, Sicheng?  You know how embarrassing that'd be?”_

_He couldn't tell them._

_“That's okay, I won't judge you.  But, I'm sure they would. For your safety, please don't tell anyone about this.  They'd hurt you, Sicheng. I don't want that.”_

_He can't let anyone know._

_Sicheng was an embarrassment._

_“Let's go back to the studio now.  I'll help fix your mistake. If you don't want it to hurt so much, then I want you to work harder.”_

_He needed to so better._

Sicheng wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing morning had already hit when he looked at the clock on the wall.  He went to grab his stuff and cover up before he rushed back out to the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on the NCT/WayV issue?  
> Stop fucking fighting because whichever 'side' wins in the fandom war within our own fandom?? It doesn't fucking matter because you know why? How does this fighting eachother help NCT/WayV in the end? WayV is still under a Sinophobic company. The future of some of the dreamies' is still blurry. NCT-U is still "NCT-Unused opportunities." 127 is being overworked. Many of the members are *STILL* being mistreated and they're expecting to add MORE?
> 
> You "win" an argument. Yeah, sure. Feel good about yourself. Nice. Whatever. But you know who really wins? I was so proud of NCTzens earlier this summer, but now I'm just fucking disappointed
> 
> Important note:
> 
> — Paeng Younghan is based off of someone in me and my editor's life. Not the same person, but two seperate people; one from my past, and another from my editor's. 
> 
> Unfortunately, for my editor (his name is HaoHao), this person appeared back into his life and he was put at risk again. Me and HaoHao are boyfriends. And he means the world to me. Recovering from the situation took a while for the both of us. I've self-edited more parts of this chapter than I would've because he isn't in the right headspace for editing the story. I will continue to self edit for a few chapters, so I'm sorry if some parts aren't top quality.


End file.
